I am an ABDL. For those of you who don’t know, most of us like to wear diapers. Most ABDLs also like to dress up as babies and act like them, with some getting others to be their ‘caretaker’. But this is mostly a private thing for us, confined to the privacy of our houses and does not involve other people, unless with their explicit consent. (It’s also worth noting here again that we do not engage with minors, which is a big no-no in our community.)
As for me, I don’t do the dressing up part, I just wear diapers at night. These diapers are not at all sexual to me, but rather they are a comforting thing, almost like a security blanket of sorts. Like how some adults still sleep with teddy bears or a 30 year old blanket. The best way I can put it is that I don’t need to them physically(never was incontinent), but emotionally, if that makes sense. I also used to write ABDL stories on the internet, mostly as a pastime but it became a small revenue stream.
My parents have known since I was a teenager that I liked wearing diapers, but have been firmly against it. So I resorted over the years to hiding the fact that I use diapers, such as by adjusting when I buy new ones and when I throw away used ones to avoid them. In their view, I shouldn’t be using them, and this view is a factor. Every time they catch me, they make me throw away my diapers – my hard-earned money.
Due to the pandemic and the uncertainties of when the borders will open, I had been forced to move back in with my parents in March 2020. It made sense as I was also involved in the care of my grandmother, who lives with my parents. It was a difficult situation, but a natural decision. I was due to move overseas for studies but world borders snapped shut, and I’ve been studying online ever since.
When I initially moved out for my studies, my mother had just retired and she shifted things and resources from her workplace to my then-empty room, as there was no other space in my house and her own study room was filled to the brim with similar stuff. So when I moved back in, I had to live with all these boxes and bags. Even my study table had become (still is) a space to put her critical files. She refused to clear them for months, partially because she was unwell but mostly because of apathy. In fact, at the time of the incident, my room still had a substantial amount of boxes.
When the semester ended in November 2020, I decided to work full-time for the holidays. The hours given to me were long, and I was happy as that meant that I could earn more.
One night, I returned home at my usual late hour. I noticed that my cupboard hiding my diapers had been opened, which was unusual because it was previously blocked by a lot of boxes. Mum sat in the living room near me as per normal as I ate my dinner, while I kept reasoning to myself that maybe I just moved the cupboard myself. But once I returned to my room, she followed me in and the eruption started.
She then admitted that she had opened my work bag when I was about to leave for work that morning. I had been filling my water bottle and had left it unattended. She had wanted to put a jacket inside – something which I had repeatedly declined because I work out under the sun. Thinking that the only way to make me take it was to forcefully put it inside my bag, she had opened it. As a result, she had seen my used diaper, which I usually throw out on the way to work.
She went on a long and hard rant about how I shouldn’t do this, that it had given her undue stress, how could I do this to her on top of the stress my grandma was giving her. She even admitted that she had told my father, and that he was ‘very upset’, and that ’something could happen to him as a result’. Basically she gaslight me into thinking that I had gone mad and did not let me say anything for an hour.
And then she made me throw away my diapers again, standing and watching me do it.
For months I was broken. I just couldn’t stand to face my friends, cousins (no one knows about this side of me), and I could barely be in the same room as my parents. Talking to my grandmother was the only thing that kept me tethered to home (again, she doesn’t know about my diapers). I kept thinking to myself, was I really a man since I can’t keep secrets from my own mother? I could not write my ABDL stories anymore, which made me lose the small but steady side-income as I just did not have the mood. I admit the loss of that income was my fault, but I’m adding this detail to show just how badly it affected me.
Work became my outlet and I did crazy amounts of overtime just to stay out of the house. On hindsight it was very dangerous cos I was on the road the whole time. It was only because of my grandma’s care that I’ve managed to finally ‘normalise’ my relations with my parents.
But at some point in the past few months, I told myself that this is a part of me that I cannot change. I knew that I needed diapers, even though I didn’t ‘need’ them. I still continued to work ad-hoc even after the semester started, partially to allow me to hold on to the company vehicle home every night for a fee. And I began to keep my purchased diapers there, in an opaque box that can only be opened with a key. Bosses did not ask questions – they are very detached from the business. And so, every night I draw out a diaper for use.
My parents don’t know that I’d restarted. Now that I think of it, they have never explicitly stated that I shouldn’t use diapers in their house – but it is heavily implied in their don’t-ever-use-diapers-again rhetoric. I just don’t know what to make of this. I’m not breaking any law, I’m not hurting myself. But clearly my parents were/are upset.
I held on to hope, knowing it was only a matter of time before the borders reopened and I would have the freedom to wear diapers again. I had to wait nearly 2 years, but the time finally came.
– Selv
This was originally written some time in mid 2021. I had intended to post it elsewhere (which is why I wrote the intro about ABDLs), but I ultimately decided that non-ABDL audiences couldn’t handle it.
dlselv@sg 