Entering My 25th Year

Chasing a girl is hard work. But when you’ve decided to let her go and she still wanders into your path, then it gets harder to stick to your initial decision.

I had an eye for this girl some time back. We were members of this university cultural club. I tried to catch her attention, and I did, but at some point we had the awkward chat and I understood that we could not get together for some reasons involving her family. It wasn’t a big blow or anything as I had foreseen and prepared myself for such an outcome. Yet, fate kept pushing us together, numerous times.

The most recent of which involved an event which she was helping to organise. The committee had wanted to sing a song to begin the event, and to make it less dry, she had come up with the idea of putting a montage together with the song’s lyrics. The committee then tasked her with creating this montage. So far so good, except that she had never used video editing software before.

She could have easily approached her other closer friends, people who were very skilled in videography. But she approached me, a person she barely spoke to. Why? My guess is that because I had done a similar project the year before when I was still in the club. But I didn’t get it. Isn’t it better to approach your own subordinates whom you are closer to and are, in this case, without doubt better qualified?

But she insisted that I teach her how to do the montage. As we had differing schedules, I essentially created a 3 part video tutorial (in 20 minutes haha) and gave her some storyboard ideas. And from the final product it is evident that she closely followed the tutorial.

She texted me several times to trouble shoot things, and after completing each draft, asked me to review it, which I did. But again, it was a weird thing to do, to ask a committee outsider for their comments. But I pointed out the little details and helped out where I could. After all, she is my friend.

I’m not trying to say that maybe she still harbours feelings for me, that’s why she asked me for help. Nor that the montage came out because of my input. Actually she did most of the work herself. But why ask me for tips?

Come show day, I arrived on time. She was with the rest of the committee, who were receiving guests and she quickly waved at me and smiled before turning to the next person. Alright, maybe I’ll speak to her after the event, I thought to myself.

So we settled down at the back of the huge auditorium with my group of friends. As they began the event, the emcees introduced the intro song, she and another comes up to sing it! She had created the lyrical montage and she was also singing it? Why didn’t she tell me?

Those 2 minutes were awkward, to say it simply. I kept thinking, what could have been if only we had broken the family barrier. It didn’t help one bit that she kept glancing and smiling at me throughout the song. Remember, the auditorium was big and I was a distance away.

As we sat down, I was wondering if she had been looking at our group of mutual friends instead. Or perhaps she was looking at her parents and little niece. But those piercing eyes had looked directly at me, and those groups were not in her line of sight.

I’ve always wanted a girl to look at me that way. It wasn’t the first time she looked at me this way. But each time she did, it was a solemn reminder that we may never be together, and I found myself looking away.  She is this goody two-shoes person who has a high standing amongst her peers, and here I was, a diaper boy, waiting for the rains to pour in the Sahara. Yea, I feel that I could be her equal on several parameters, but the family factor really killed it.

Cos I know from observing my family, a girl without her parents support will never be happy, and I didn’t want to disturb that equilibrium of hers for me. Besides, she’ll probably marry a high standing doctor or lawyer, who cares about engineers these days. And all of these doesn’t factor in my inherent ABDL wish list in a girl, which I frankly, have no idea whether I should keep or throw.

My only thought at this moment is that the correct girl will show herself when the time is right. And until that day arrives, I just have to study hard and shore up my finances.

– Selv



My mind is dizzied with the emotions running though. I don’t usually hang out with my society friends, especially on a friday night, but I knew I needed to get it off my mind.

Girls think men must move mountains to profess their love for her, but I disagree. Cos when you have moved a truckload and she doesn’t respond more than 3 words, you know that it is a lost cause. Do girls know what it is like to think of a good message every day that isn’t creepy sounding? Do girls know how much guts it takes to arrange a meet with a crush? It’s not easy to forget. Especially when I chose you over my tests several times this semester. Even God was trying to make me forget by giving me a pseudo-date yesterday (with a girl who wants an arranged marriage, but that’s not the point).

My mind is distressed,

refusing to rest,

knowing it’s a test,

disagreeing it’s for the best.

– Selv

Thoughts On Loneliness

The search has come to a stalemate.

I’ve met very outgoing people in this second academic year. But I realise that getting to know a girl well is difficult. Duh, I hear you say. Nothing in life comes easy and I’m aware of that. I mean, I talk to girls, they open up. But half the time it can’t progress because of religion, because they’re seeing other people, or I’m just don’t feel for the person. How then do I progress?

And there’s the ABDL aspect. I’ve been watching the ABDL scene and everyone knows its near impossible to get a preexisting ABDL/little girlfriend. The more viable option is to get a vanilla girlfriend who is accepting of you. If she partakes in wearing diapers then it is a bonus.

The loneliness is getting to me. Diapers have helped a little, but let’s be honest – underwear is not a substitute for a friend. I wish I could keep a pet. But my lifestyle wouldn’t permit it. You may be thinking ‘oh, he hasn’t tried hard enough or long enough,’ you may be right. Destiny plays its part, doesn’t it?

It’s not for the sex. It is for the companionship that I’ve been on the lookout. I believe that a wife is not a person who gives you heirs and takes care of you in old age. No, they are people who go through life’s ups and downs with you. They are there for you in your darkest hours, and celebrate with you during your achievements.

When people don’t reply your emails/PMs, it’s easy to conclude that some other guy has come along offering something better that you didn’t. Race not a nonissue in the real world. So far, I’m on the lookout for success.

Besides, who reads blogs nowadays?

– Selv

What A Day…

I apologise in advance, I really have to let this off my chest.

It’s been an upsetting day of sorts.

I witnessed a WhatsApp fight on a school CCA group. Nothing unusual.

While I attended my business module, I witnesses the ugly side of Singaporeans, where people scrambled to shoot down my group, as well as others. For what? To beat the bell-curve? Fine, but no need to be cynical! My group escaped the bloodbath that engulfed the next group thanks to my seminar tutor. But the next group’s woes were sickening because  after the audience killed them, the tutor himself insisted on correcting a technicality, while the all-girl group maintained that they were right and he was wrong.

People were relishing in that heated dialogue between tutor and girl-group. Some did their best to get to the defence of the group, but many others were sniggering away. I’m not a person who enjoys seeing others suffer. But they cynical and ugly singaporean trait of kiasuism (fear of losing out) reared its ugly head. Why must people shoot down others, just so that their group can do better? Don’t they believe that they will be affected next week when it is their turn? It may be true that karma doesn’t strike people equally but is that a reason to hurt another person’s feelings (don’t talk about the grades anymore)?

I’m honestly very glad that I’m taking an engineering course where people are very supportive of their peers. Unlike Business, and Humanities courses, I’ve heard.


But the day couldn’t have ended without me witnessing a couple fight in HSS. I was waiting for my dad to pick me up when I began to write the above post. Some of you may have noticed the incomplete earlier draft.

A guy comes along to meet his girl at this place where I’m seated. The guy is furious. It seems that he had been waiting for her for 3 hours. The girl in turn was frustrated because he didn’t pick up her calls to him.

Stuff was being said, but I didn’t bother until the guy threw his phone onto the adjacent table. She mumbled something, to which the guy raised his hand to slap her.

I intervened. I went up to the guy and asked him if this was how he should treat a woman. They asked me to f*k off, but I didn’t. I reminded him that each relationship will have problems and that you don’t beat a woman for it, that he could have simply gone up to her location to ask instead of sulking and switching off his phone.

“Shame on you’, I scolded at him before the girl’s senses kicked in and they both barked at me to not interfere in their personal matter and that I will find out the hard way when I get a girlfriend blah blah. So I unceremoniously walked away, but I hope that they patched up afterward.

Please people. It is more important to be a good human being, than to be the best human being.

– Selv

Sinusoidal Feelings

Alright.. I had been a little emo in my last post (pun not intended), but guess that’s part of life in one form or another. I mean, love is a delicate topic that has inspired many tales and battles.

I had gone for the aforementioned society’s interviews for entering one of their sub-committees, Events. The interviews were in group format, so there were four of us in a group that was being interviewed. All 6 committees were being done in one room, so everyone could see each other.

Throughout our interview, a guy kept looking at a girl. I knew her from last week’s event, and I knew who she was, so I kept paying attention to what the interviewers were saying. But the interviewer had noticed his expressions and he blurted out ‘R—- is actually our vice-president S—-‘s girlfriend’.

The poor guy’s face just changed. In one sentence, his hope had been dashed. And that is the nature of love – your desire gets smashed as fast as it gets built-up. I heard later that he declined to join Events, while I was posted to P&P.

As for me, I fell into a sad state last week. In my main CCA, a photography club, the boys like to link me up to another indian girl. I too didn’t regard it too much – until one of them brought it out into a club meeting – where that girl was present.

I held my tongue until after the meeting, then I blasted him. But the damage had already been done – that girl started to avoid me.

Or so, I thought. Fast forward to another event today. I had no idea that she was there. But towards the end, she came over and we chatted for quite a while, until she had to leave. While it probably doesn’t mean anything, it shows that she wasn’t angry about the previous debacle during the photography meeting. #gotchance

Hmm, this post turned out to be emotional too…

– Selv

Thoughts on Romance

Wouldn’t it be nice if you had a girlfriend-wife who you could care for?

You pick her up from work, return home, cook dinner with her/eat out together, take a shower together then before bed you put her in her night-time diaper and give her a warm hug and kiss her goodnight before tucking her in as you climb under the covers? 

Except that, statistically, it’s not going to happen. 

I am not going to lie and say that I don’t have such wishful thinking. But after years of trawling through ABDL forums, social media and even fetish sites, I would say that the probability for a white male to meet such a partner is about 20% while the probability for an Asian living in Asia is less than 10%. Though that number might be larger in metropolitan areas.

In this day and age, women want respect. They want to be accorded the mutual respect that comes with education. These are good practices. But they would inhibit women from wanting to be cared for- they can take care of themselves! (That doesn’t mean that they don’t crave attention, which I feel that we as gentlemen should give them 🙂

Throw in the complexities of a conservative society, and the depressingly generalized Google search results for ‘ABDL’, and you have a recipe to turn a girl away from you. 

As I keep searching for that life partner, I gently have to remind myself that my future soulmate probably won’t want to do her morning number ones or twos in ‘a thing that only babies wear’. Moreover, she will thoroughly be against me doing my morning number ones and twos in a noisy, crinkly garment. 

Her simplest reasoning would be ‘it’s not hygienic’, her most guilt-tripping one would invoke religion, and her most likely reasoning would be ‘that ABDLs are sickos (we are not)’. 

I understand that people have successfully done it before. There are a number of podcasts and articles that give very good advice on how to go about doing this. 

You shouldn’t date a girl who doesn’t accept you for who you are, I hear you say. If only… if only it were that simple. 

Will I be lucky? This is something that I’ve been longing for at least since I was 6. The believe is that, as long as you really want it, as long as you take the steps towards it (hence this blog), and as long as you are patient, then there will be results.

– Selv

What About The Butt?

Feelings are one of the few things that are truly complex.

I had an eye for this girl. She is a strong-willed person, studying (at NTU’s Wee Kim Wee School of) Communications and Information. I was feeling a little let down, wondering if I should approach her, and how. As usual, fate had its plans for me.

I’m in one of the subcommittees (sub-com) for my hall of residence. It is a big group of about 15 people, and I was the outsider as I wasn’t able to get a place for the hall’s freshmen orientation camp. This girl was a member too. The ice took a fair bit of time to thaw, but I did manage to make a few friends.

Another sub-com member needed to borrow a camera to photograph a hall event. I volunteered to lend her mine and on the day of the event, I was horrified to learn that she didn’t know how to use a DLSR. So I spent a fair bit of time to coach her on how to use it. (Basically I set it to Tv mode and taught her to change the shutter speed.)

And guess who approaches us? It was the girl whom I had an eye for. She listens for a fair bit on how to use the DSLR. And she asks if she too could borrow it when it was her turn to take pictures. And I agree.

That was how I got to know her personally. I lent her my camera when it was her turn, and we got to know each other a tiny bit. It wasn’t to say that I wasn’t keeping my options open with other girls, but this chance did seem quite promising.

Last tuesday, we had a sub-com photo shoot. Basically we all wore our sub-com tee and jeans, and we posed for a group photo. I noticed her looking in my direction, only to look away when I looked up at her. And this kept happening a number of times. So, I decided to make some sort of a move, and I found an excuse to start a conversation, and waited for an opportunity. Once the photoshoot was over, as we were leaving the room in a single file, I positioned myself right behind her. She knew that I was right behind. What happened next caught me off guard.

Another guy from our sub-com walked up behind her, touches her butt, and says “Hi (nickname), want to go eat dinner?”.

She turns around, visibly embarrassed that he had done such things in front of several people. Her eyes flit to mine one last time, before I bypass her. And I continued on, trying my hardest not to turn back.

This is one reason why I am weary of girls. You just can’t decipher their actions, and more often than not, I’ve mistaken those actions for something else. It took me half an hour to build up the courage to say something to her, but 5 seconds was all it took for me to realise that she was probably romantically involved with this other guy.

I was in a high that day – a euphoria that comes after completing two important tests. Those 5 seconds shattered my mood completely that evening. It was part of the reason why I didn’t put out a blog post that day. I took a shower, and went straight to bed.

I have been fooled yet again. I had reached a disappointingly incorrect conclusion. Perhaps the universe was reminding me that one should not assume and think too much, and to just make a move with a girl early on to avoid disappointment.

The short answer is…

This whole diaper journey does make me question myself. Why do I continue wearing? The short answer is that I don’t know, and the long answer, summarised, is that it’s a security blanket that can potentially harm me.

How can a diaper harm a user, you might ask. You see, for an incontinent, the diaper simply catches whatever flows out. But when a person forces themselves to ‘hold it it’ until they are wearing a diaper, it can have subtle effects. This is more applicable for pooping, and I’ll share a little story.

When I first enlisted in the army, I had a big change in not just mealtimes and energy output, but also toilet timings. Nothing unusual here, except that I no longer pooped at midnight, I pooped early in the morning. While my toilet habits were probably just a small contributing factor, it did play a part in me getting lightheaded every other morning. The worst was when I collapsed out of the blue one morning. True, it was the other 2 big-ticket items that were the likely cause, but the third definitely played its part.

I’m pretty sure that non-incontinent folk who wear 24/7 wouldn’t just void wherever they stood. They would probably wait till they are alone before they proceeded. They don’t need a diaper; they want it. Be it for security reasons, be it for fantasy, they don’t need it to live, they need it to keep emotionally stable.

As a diaper lover, my biggest question is, will my future wife accept me for who I am? Also, would she be willing to wear? Given that I’m having problems hitching up with girls of my race, who by the way ARE THE PICKIEST OF ALL CREATION, the prospects are worrying. My fantasies would be an eyesore for you readers, but I would want at least some of them to materialise.

I believe in love. I wish that the universe would not let me down. I wish that I would not disappoint a girl just because I wear diapers on occasion.

– Selv