I’ve always wanted to attend the Melbourne Comedy Festival. The first time I went to Melbourne, I had just missed it, and everyone was just going on and on about it. This time however, it was a confluence of events which only made it even more crucial that I had to catch it. The thing is, could I also turn this into another Diapered Escapade – since I hadn’t had one since 2019?
To be honest, the timeline was quite tight as I had assignments due. But one of my most favourite writers was performing in their debut show, and I knew I had to catch it. To make matters more enticing, Hamilton was in town! I had just missed it when I was in Sydney – my show there got cancelled cos one of the cast had covid – so this time, I had another chance to catch it. The dates lined up perfectly with the Easter-Recess week holiday, and with the pandemic raging on and on, I knew that I should grab this chance while I could. And why not tour the area while I could?
That meant, that once I added in the flight, show and tour tickets, I was seriously over budget. And I had to eat outside food as well, putting a dent in the budget as well. Coupled with sky-high hotel rates, I had just one choice for accommodation – to stay in a backpackers hostel. Well, looks like a proper Diapered Escapade was out of question. Then again, I took DEs to ‘escape’ home, but now that I was living on my own, do I really need escapes now? Diapers yes, but escape from who?
I pondered that as I landed in Melbourne on that bright and sunny Good Friday. Like every backpacker on a budget, I arrived with just a single backpack bursting at the seams, and took the public bus right into the heart of the CBD, where my hostel was. I stayed at the Village Melbourne, a stone throw’s away from the Queen Victoria market, and importantly, within walking distance to all my venues. I didn’t get the best of vibes when checking in, the staff were a little gruff, but I guess people of my profile must have caused the most trouble, so I brushed it off.
I was given a bunk bed, and I was sharing a room with several other guys. Our room had its own bathroom unfortunately, which was eating into the little privacy that I already had. It was, after all, the only place I could change into and out of my diapers. And, it was very quiet in that small room.
It only sunk in just how little privacy I had that night, just before my shower. I had just returned from my first show, admittedly a little let down cos I had sort of expected more from the show. But that sinking feeling was exacerbated when I returned to my room where several other men lay in bed and were probably watching my every move. So, I had to be sneaky but not suspicious.
And so every night, I showered just before bed. I would try to extract my diaper as silently as possible from my bag, then I would hide it in my night clothes, grab my towel, and then go into the bathroom. And every time, the toilet would not be flushed. Seriously, I began to question my sanity, for I just couldn’t understand how hard could it be to press that dammed flush button? I wear diapers to precisely avoid pressing it, but it seemed like I was the only one who ever pressed it.
Anyway, the real fun started after my shower. I had to get out, dry myself, and then switch on the shower again to create some background noise. This was because, although cloth-backed diapers are mostly silent once you’ve put them on, the tapes are not silent when you are opening them. And I could not do it quickly either, and had to balance carefully on my slippers cos the floor was dirtier than a landfill. Ah, fun times.
Oh wait, did I mention that I was sharing the room with several others? A few times eh? Yeah, so you might have guessed that ironically, the only place to use my diaper was in – you guessed it – the bathroom. Unfortunately, in the mornings when the others were asleep, that place was dead silent. I’ve never heard myself going in high definition audio – that’s how amplifyingly quiet it was. And once I had showered, it was a heart-racing exit from the bathroom, clutching my used diaper and clothes. Picture fantastic Mr Fox creeping out of his foxhole being watched by Boggis, Bounce and Bean. I really couldn’t wear my diaper outside though, cos Melbourne was so crowded, kind of like Singapore but with trams, so that meant that any smells would have been a public nuisance.
Oh well, never relished the comfort and security of my uni hostel more.
– Selv
dlselv@sg 