Jettisoning

My mind is dizzied with the emotions running though. I don’t usually hang out with my society friends, especially on a friday night, but I knew I needed to get it off my mind.

Girls think men must move mountains to profess their love for her, but I disagree. Cos when you have moved a truckload and she doesn’t respond more than 3 words, you know that it is a lost cause. Do girls know what it is like to think of a good message every day that isn’t creepy sounding? Do girls know how much guts it takes to arrange a meet with a crush? It’s not easy to forget. Especially when I chose you over my tests several times this semester. Even God was trying to make me forget by giving me a pseudo-date yesterday (with a girl who wants an arranged marriage, but that’s not the point).

My mind is distressed,

refusing to rest,

knowing it’s a test,

disagreeing it’s for the best.

– Selv

A Long Term Temporary Routine

I have slowly been able to master the art of wearing every night, despite the presence of my roommate. In the mornings, I have also been able to do my morning routine while in my diaper, without alerting my roommate.

To their end, cloth-backed diapers have been a boon. My diaper of choice is the Tena Slip Super. They aren’t the most absorbent, but they are able to hold a decent amount of liquid. And with their new update, their retention ability is much improved.
I feel that wearing every night allows me to destress a little. I’ve been keeping up with this routine since end-october, with breaks of course. Again, avoiding having to sit on the toilet has also been a sort of thrill. I’ve never been afraid of sitting on the toilet, just that, like a preoccupied kid, I prefer the comfort of my own padding.
But as I gear up for the future, I know that this routine is temporary. A long-term temporary but yes, temporary. For I am not sure if my future wife will be accommodating of my nightly wish. Leave her if she does not accept you, I hear you say. But, given the struggle I am going through just to meet someone, walking away is a complex option.
Changing my soulmate’s diaper every morning just so that she doesn’t need to touch her own mess is something that I feel deeply about. Having a girl entrust you with her second-most intimate thing, every morning, is a weird wish. But why would a girl even want to agree?
Why do I harbour this innate desire to change a girl’s diaper? What’s wrong with my thinking? I consider myself moderately religious, yet I still have this ‘dirty’ thoughts. Why can’t I be like other normal people, who fantasise about having sex during exotic vacations? Why can’t I have the courage to ask a girl out, to even admit that I am her cultural group? Is it because I wear diapers? Is my wearing of diapers affecting my social life?
To be certain, diapering a girl is not a sexual thing for me. I’ve learnt to suppress my own erections because diapers aren’t sexual for me. I have long refused to admit (and still don’t) that I have a diaper fetish because the word fetish carries the connotation of being sexual. I would have to communicate this to her as well.
How will my soulmate react to the fact that I wear diapers not out of necessity? How further will she react when I tell her that I want her to poop in a diaper from time to time? How will I get the courage to tell her?
– Selv

The Young Man, And The Hot Girl

It was a long and tiring day, but I had a 7pm motorcycle class to attend. I rushed down after completing my evening class for my late evening lesson, mentally prepping myself for the bombardment of skills and sharp-tongued instructors amid quiet classmates.

But life decided to let up on me for this lesson. There was a hot girl in my group of 8, and she kept looking at me. I was determined to talk to her. Midway through the lesson we were having a break. This was my chance, I thought to myself. We all walked back to the waiting area and sat down. A fellow classmate sauntered over and sat beside me, breaking my thoughts.

We had a light conversation, about how difficult it is to book classes, about the long waiting time between them and the very sharp learning curve.

I mentioned that with the flexibility of the university schedule, I could still rush over after classes ended. He mentioned that he usually had to apply for half day’s leave in order to attend lessons, and since he lived close by, he didn’t need to drive over.

“So you’re learning bike for the experience?”, I asked.

He chuckled.

“Guess how old I am,” he asked me.

He looked a little middle-aged, but not wanting to hurt his feelings, I mumbled ‘thirties’.

“I am 57 this year. And I still want to learn,” he declared proudly.

Fifty-seven? He is older than my parents. I was genuinely surprised.

“It’s never too late to learn something, if you want to, you will find a way!” he said with great zeal.

“But it is good that you are able to learn while schooling,” he added, ostensibly to change the topic.

“I was once like you, NUS (university) grad, big pay, good life. But I could spend $600 a day, just on drinks and enjoying.”

“As a fellow friend, I just ask that you don’t do the same mistake as me. It is good to have friends, but you must choose the right kind. If they are bad, then just walk away from them,” he added.

With those words, we walked back to our lesson area. While that short conversation wasn’t some mind-blowing, meme-worthy revelation, it did set me thinking.

Somehow, I forced myself back to the lesson at hand. Soon, the lesson was over and the instructor was waving at us to park our bikes for the night.

As always, life didn’t forget the girl. She parked her bike beside mine as I set off back to the waiting area for the results. Suddenly, I heard someone calling out to me.

“Eh, come back, he’s (the instructor) calling us”.

It was the hot girl. I quickly called those infant of me, and we walked back to the instructor. But he was oblivious to us, and merely waved at us to go back to the waiting area.

I felt the embarrassment radiating from her. So I helped things along by asking how how the lesson went.

“I was wobbling a bit, but I think I can pass,” she said coyly. “You?”

“I… well, I was stuck in the yellow box when the light went red, and just proceeded to turn. Hope he doesn’t mind that,” I said.

“Oh don’t worry lah, you seemed okay,” she reassured me as we reached the waiting area.

We retrieved our stuff from our lockers and she sat down beside me as we removed our hand and knee guards. We then sat in silence, waiting for the results.

The wait was nerve-wracking, and I calmed my nerves down by whipping out my phone and writing down all the techniques that I’d learnt that day. Soon, our instructor was calling out to our group.

We cautiously approached him, and thankfully, I had passed the module.

The last I saw of the girl, she was looking at her book shaking her head in sadness, before the other students engulfed her.

– Selv

What About The Butt?

Feelings are one of the few things that are truly complex.

I had an eye for this girl. She is a strong-willed person, studying (at NTU’s Wee Kim Wee School of) Communications and Information. I was feeling a little let down, wondering if I should approach her, and how. As usual, fate had its plans for me.

I’m in one of the subcommittees (sub-com) for my hall of residence. It is a big group of about 15 people, and I was the outsider as I wasn’t able to get a place for the hall’s freshmen orientation camp. This girl was a member too. The ice took a fair bit of time to thaw, but I did manage to make a few friends.

Another sub-com member needed to borrow a camera to photograph a hall event. I volunteered to lend her mine and on the day of the event, I was horrified to learn that she didn’t know how to use a DLSR. So I spent a fair bit of time to coach her on how to use it. (Basically I set it to Tv mode and taught her to change the shutter speed.)

And guess who approaches us? It was the girl whom I had an eye for. She listens for a fair bit on how to use the DSLR. And she asks if she too could borrow it when it was her turn to take pictures. And I agree.

That was how I got to know her personally. I lent her my camera when it was her turn, and we got to know each other a tiny bit. It wasn’t to say that I wasn’t keeping my options open with other girls, but this chance did seem quite promising.

Last tuesday, we had a sub-com photo shoot. Basically we all wore our sub-com tee and jeans, and we posed for a group photo. I noticed her looking in my direction, only to look away when I looked up at her. And this kept happening a number of times. So, I decided to make some sort of a move, and I found an excuse to start a conversation, and waited for an opportunity. Once the photoshoot was over, as we were leaving the room in a single file, I positioned myself right behind her. She knew that I was right behind. What happened next caught me off guard.

Another guy from our sub-com walked up behind her, touches her butt, and says “Hi (nickname), want to go eat dinner?”.

She turns around, visibly embarrassed that he had done such things in front of several people. Her eyes flit to mine one last time, before I bypass her. And I continued on, trying my hardest not to turn back.

This is one reason why I am weary of girls. You just can’t decipher their actions, and more often than not, I’ve mistaken those actions for something else. It took me half an hour to build up the courage to say something to her, but 5 seconds was all it took for me to realise that she was probably romantically involved with this other guy.

I was in a high that day – a euphoria that comes after completing two important tests. Those 5 seconds shattered my mood completely that evening. It was part of the reason why I didn’t put out a blog post that day. I took a shower, and went straight to bed.

I have been fooled yet again. I had reached a disappointingly incorrect conclusion. Perhaps the universe was reminding me that one should not assume and think too much, and to just make a move with a girl early on to avoid disappointment.